my semi-dramatic 7 a.m. existential crisis [But God]

Senior year of college, last first week of school, EVER, I woke up in a panic.

Not because I was late to class (shockingly), not because I wanted to change my major (thank you, God) and not because I missed an assignment (phew).

I woke up panicked because in the time between my toes curling on the cold floor and my tongue melting in hot coffee, my mind shrieked “Why am I on this planet?!! What am I supposed to do with my life today?!”

Not, “what am I supposed to do today” as in “do I go to this building for class or to the other one?” It was a fear-stricken question of purpose. But, it came and went quicker than my snooze-hitting reflexes.

A month later I have no idea where, why or what caused it. But that moment was absolutely dreadful.

I have an internship I absolutely love. I work part time for a non-profit I can’t get enough of, I serve an insanely marvelous God who cares for me, loves me, knows me and lets me know Him, and I am graduating college this semester. This is not exactly a “WHAT IS MY LIFE?!” time.

So I say again, I have no idea where, why or what caused that dreadful thought. My life is full, my desire for God ever growing, my love for people and for this season hasn’t changed.

But, that feeling. Have you ever felt it?

Have you ever thought “There’s really no point in getting out of bed today” or “I’m not good at anything” or “What am I supposed to do when this chapter of life, school, work ends?” or “I’m just not as smart as everyone else or as mature. I’m not good enough to get that job or that kind of relationship or that degree” or “I’m not holy enough or nice enough to have a relationship with God”?

That thought pattern —those lies— can smother you until there’s no air left to gasp. They rip hope from your soul and blot out the light.

BUT GOD. 

Way back when in a land far away, in a time and place I can hardly comprehend there was this guy. He was a eunuch, which basically meant that he was a man who had no children, most likely because he physically couldn’t. Maybe you don’t think it that big of a deal, but during that time, having kids was basically like achieving the American Dream. It was the ultimate. But, he couldn’t get an injection, couldn’t take a pill, couldn’t do a single thing to have children.

How’s that for feeling purposeless, for wondering what the point of your life was? 

He likely thought, “Why bother with life or with God? I am useless. I’m not good enough. Why get out of bed? ”

BUT GOD. 

“And do not let the eunuch say, ‘Look, I am a dry tree.’ This is what the Lord says, ‘To the eunuchs who keep My Sabbaths and choose what pleases Me, and hold firmly to My covenant, to them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, and a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off.'” Isaiah 55:3-5

To them [the Eunuchs who have every reason to feel depressed and defeated in society’s eyes], God promised to give something better than their highest hopes, something better than what society said was the ultimate, the best.

God is the God of better than. He is the God of abundance, of out doing, of out giving, He is the God of exceedingly more than all we could ever dare hope, think, dream or imagine. May the Holy Spirit help us to fully believe, understand and experience that.

Over the hopeless, he rains hope. To the purposeless He gives a purpose. He gives a name, a life, an inheritance, gifts far above any gifts one could believe for.

You and I are not pointless. Our life is not without purpose (even if a brief or long-term existential crisis like mine tells us so).

We are children of God. We are called, chosen, loved, holy, cherished. We are destined for eternal greatness in Christ. Let’s lift our heads up right now and receive the exceedingly and abundantly more that has our name on it.

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