Lately, I’ve been drowning
In a raging sea of thrashing thoughts, which unceasingly crash against the Rock.
My propensity for intensity fuels the surge of water; my fears and anxieties accumulate into sky scraping waves, and at the crest…the white foam of my emotions that spill out upon the shore, upon impact.
Let me just tell you…it’s hard work drowning.
You have to paddle your arms and legs rapidly, cock your neck back when the water gets too high, and attempt to breathe as salt and sea invade your lungs.
Not to mention your hearing.
If you’re not hearing your own desperate panting, you’re hearing the thrashing waves around you, or the voices of people calling out.
But, if you can manage to steady yourself for just one minute, you’ll hear the sound of the waves hitting The Rock.
I love that Rock. I’ve spent so much time on that Rock.
But, one day I dove off. The waters started rising and I said “Oh no, I’ll never make it, it’s too much,” and off I went.
I’ve been drowning ever since.
Odd though. I’ve clung to the Rock during some of my strongest life surges and seen first hand that it really is immovable. Yet, I jumped.
I saw the vast, endless ocean and allowed myself to think “if there’s this much water out there, think of all the waves I’ll inevitably encounter.”
Out of fear of something that never happened, I jumped, straight into all things tumultuous.
I convinced myself that my thoughts were too much for God. The trenches of my mind too deep, too shameful, too complicated. It’s just too much, God. Speaking that weakened me; I sunk deeper.
Then, a life line. The rope thrown from the direction of the Rock had a note attached to my end.
“Pull yourself in.”
I stared at the rope for a while, doubting my ability; and then He whispered: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness,” 2 Corinthians 12:9.
I tugged the rope, and grabbed the next knot.
“O Lord, what miracles you do! And how deep are your thoughts!” Psalms 92:5.
Strengthened, I made it to the next knot. But, I still had so far to go. The waves so violent.
“Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer,” Psalms 94:19.
More strength. Next knot. My gaze shifted from the waves to the Rock.
“Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil. Now, may the God of peace make you holy in every way and may your whole spirit, and soul and body be kept blameless…God will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful,” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24.
Finally, the rope ran out and the Rock met me. I gripped one hand above the other and pulled with everything I had. At last, I was back on The Rock. Comfortable, peaceful, right where I was always meant to be.
After much crying and gasping, my breathing steadied. My thoughts and emotions steadied. My body steadied.
For those who prefer practical to metaphorical writings, I typed up a second blog explaining the real-life concept of drowning in thoughts and how it impacted myself and those around me. Feel free to check it out!